The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a word that people bat around in their day-to-day conversations. At least I did, and do. We can be casual about it or very serious, depending on who we need to give it to or ask for it.

When I was little, I remember situations where I was told to say sorry, to a friend or adult, when I had done something that was wrong or hurtful. Back then, it was the magical ‘get out of jail free’ card. I was forced to apologize when I really wasn’t sorry! But if I said it, all would be forgiven and we could move on with our day. Sometimes there were other consequences that went along with saying sorry, but merely saying it released you from the other person holding a grudge….or did it? Did my flippant ‘sorry’ make the other person forgive me? Did it make them feel better?

On the flip side of this, I also remember other people being forced to say sorry to me. I would have to accept their apology, even though I knew they really didn’t mean it, and I really didn’t want to forgive them.

As a parent I had done this myself on occasion.I was so horrified by what my toddler had just done to another child, I forced the apology out of my son to appease the other parent and myself. As an adult, I clearly had empathy for the wronged child and knew that an apology was necessary, but I hadn’t given my toddler the space to have feelings or understand that what he had done had hurt someone else.The apology was for my benefit more than it was for the child.

When I was studying to become an E.C.E. (Early Childhood Educator), my eyes were opened to child development and my old habit of making children apologize or forgive in a situation changed. I no longer required the mechanical ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘it’s ok’! Instead, I gave the children the space they needed to work through their feelings. The children were allowed to be upset or angry or frustrated and when they were ready, they could offer a sincere apology or genuinely forgive the other person.

We all need space to process our feelings. In some situations we can process them quickly and let them go. In others, it takes much longer. For me, the ones that take longer are the ones where a close friend or family member hurt my feelings. What I have found out about myself is that they are usually situations where I have to look at myself and analyze my contributions to the situation.

When I had left my husband Jason, I was extremely angry with him and I felt vindicated in my anger. Due to that anger, I treated him horribly for months prior to leaving. I had no plans on forgiving him for our situation and placed all the blame squarely on his shoulders. It was only after I was out of the situation that I could look back on it and see my part in it. One of the hardest things I had ever had to do was ask Jason for forgiveness. I also had to forgive him, even if he didn’t ask for it or acknowledge his part. I had forgiven him long before I asked him for forgiveness, myself. It was the process of working through my feelings, and letting go of unmet expectations. I had attempted to change who Jason was as a person and treated him horribly when he didn’t comply. Through this process, I have learned to love Jason for who he is, not who I want him to be. Jason and I were able to work through our issues and mend our marriage. I thank God everyday for Jason and I am so thankful that we were able to get past our issues.

Moving forward, I find that I tattle on myself all the time. It’s much easier to live a happy life if you are aware of how your actions affect others. Instead of letting little things eat at my conscience, I get it out in the open and apologize for them as quickly as I can.This may sound silly or not necessary, but for me, its how I have learned to keep myself accountable. I can be a pretty sneaky person and hide a great deal of things, but they would eat me up inside and make me pretty miserable to be around. My sister once wrote an essay about me. She named it ‘The Volcano’ or something to that effect. In this essay, she described my tendency to hide my feelings until suddenly I would erupt like a volcano and no one would have a clue why I was so upset. And let me tell you, when that volcano erupted, no one wanted to be in the same room, let alone the same house as me!

I have learned to get things off my chest pretty quickly and also to be an open book. Just a few weeks ago, I was scheduled for supply EA work. The day was perfect and I enjoyed interacting with all the students and staff. As I was leaving, I was pulled aside and reminded of the ‘no scent’ policy. When I had arrived that morning, I had just put an essential oil blend on and it was pretty strong. When I was reminded of the policy, I responded quickly with an apology and a smile and then left. The situation kept bothering me as I went through the rest of my day. When I sat down to analyze my feelings and why I was so bothered by the incident, I had an ‘AHA’ moment. My head wanted to be flippant about the ‘no scent’ policy and it possibly wanted to be angry that I had been pulled aside to be reminded of it, but my heart was telling me something different. You see, I knew the rule about ‘no scent’ and I had even thought about it that morning before putting the essential oil blend on. My heart was telling me that I had done something wrong and had caused another person to have to say something to me. In order for me to let it go, I had to acknowledge that what I had done was ignore school policy and ask for forgiveness from the person who had to enforce these rules. Its never fun having to correct others behaviour and that is exactly what I had made this person do. So instead of making excuses for myself, I apologized and then I was able to let go of the embarrassment and thoughts attached to this incident and get on with my day.

Through situations like these, I am learning about the power of forgiveness and heartfelt apologies. They help us regulate our emotions, keeping us honest and humble, but most of all, it helps us love ourselves and others more sincerely. It releases pent up emotions within our bodies that cause anxiety, stress, anger, confusion, and a lot of other things that I’m sure we all don’t want to hold on to. It frees us to become more self-aware and loving.

Don’t hold onto unforgiveness. It just darkens your own life and keeps you on a road of anger and frustration and hurt. Asking for forgiveness or forgiving others is not a sign of weakness. It is a difficult and hard thing to do and builds personal strength. Be sincere and heartfelt in your apologies and you will feel a new lightness enter your soul.