The Joy In Letting Go

One evening in March, as I was in the shower, listening to worship/coffee house music, I asked the Lord what I should pray about. You see, I find these quiet times throughout the day to have conversations with God. Mostly they are conversations in my head, but sometimes they are out loud. I think I have always had these conversations with Him throughout my whole life, but they always felt one sided, until recently. I have been practicing quieting myself and listening. I find the art of quieting myself pretty tricky. Our brains have a hard time shutting off the outside world to have solitude and quiet with all the noise and distractions.

After asking God what I should pray about, my thoughts slid around aimlessly for a minute without landing on anything specific. I focused my attention on someone who I felt led to pray for the day before. Everything on that end felt peaceful, or at least not in need, so my thoughts wandered and I started swaying to the music. The tone and lyrics of the song I was listening to were talking about how everyone will bow to the Lord in the end. As I was listening to this song I felt the Lord speaking to me. He was asking me personally, "Is it worth it to lay it all before Him? Was I desperate enough for Him to give everything up?"

I had to be honest with myself in that moment and answer, No! I hadn't been willing to give everything up. In that moment, God reminded me of my relationship with my husband. I hadn't trusted Him enough to give my relationship with my husband over to Him for a long time. When I finally gave it over to God, oh, what a blissful feeling of peace and tenderness God gave me for him. This feeling for my husband was so foreign to me, but a dream I had always craved. God taught me that giving my relationship with Jason over to Him helped me to love him more deeply. All I can do is thank God, our Father for restoring relationships but also for teaching my heart to let go, so I could focus more solely on Jesus.

I was finally, after so many years, able to give Jason over to God and trust in God's plan for me, but also His plan for Jason. We met and started dating when we were 16 and now we are 47ish. You may go ahead and do the math, but I simply have no wish to put a number on the years of my striving, and doing things my own way and not trusting in Him.

So, if my relationship with Jason was not what was holding me back, what was? With great trepidation it dawned on me that it was smoking cannabis. I have been having this battle within myself about weed for quite some time. I believe that cannabis use helped me through some very difficult situations and it also helped numb me from external stimuli, so I could concentrate. The war within myself was brutal and went on for many months, and I will save that story for another day. But suffice it to say that God, in His peace and perfect timing brought to my attention, through a song, that my reliance on weed was one of the things I didn't want to lay down.

In that moment, in the shower, grudgingly at first, but with more conviction as I thought about it, I gave my cannabis use over to God. I asked Him to speak to me clearly, and He honoured me in that. I will listen for Him in my confused shaming thoughts. God wasn't the one shaming me. Those were my own thoughts and judgements I was heaping on myself, and drowning in. It was God's clear, loving, un-accusing words and thoughts in my head that wiped out the shame and made it clear that it was a choice, and did I trust Him enough to give it over to Him. I made the choice! It may be a struggle, more than likely it will be. I will put one foot in front of the other, trusting God with every step. And when I fall, always turn quickly back to God, stronger and wiser.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

If you find yourself struggling with addictions or doing things that you know are not good for you at that moment, please bring it to God. He is faithful to meet you in that moment and lead you on the path He wants for you. God is not the one condemning you. The condemnation comes from the enemy and keeps us stuck in our own misery. We are our own worst enemies and we keep ourselves stuck in the never ending hamster wheel of shame and doubt.

My favorite verse these days is:

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

God bless you today and everyday. You are loved and precious in His sight.