Loving What Is

Let me tell you a little story about me and my silly understanding of life when I was younger. I grew up in a Christian home in a small little border town. My father was the pastor of a small Evangelical Covenant Church and our house was always a beehive of activity, from Sunday dinners with family and friends, to bible studies, you name it, it happened at our place. My parents were always opening their doors to help others. We always had people staying at our place, whether they be ‘Borders’ for a short time, youth that were sponsored from Vietnam, our friends who were in need, or my new older sisters and brothers that were implanted into our family. This was just the way of life for us. I grew up believing that all these people were ‘family’ and that everyone could be trusted.

I also believed that all the people who attended our church were extended family. Not by blood, of course, but through our bond of the church. I called everyone Aunty this or Uncle that. Life was pretty good for us. We didn’t have a lot of money, but what we did have, made up for that. My mom was a master at making great dinners from cheap ingredients and there was always enough food for everyone. Our house was Old Victorian style and had many interesting characteristics that we loved to explore and play in. There was always something to do or someone to talk to.

I was a quiet little blond girl who loved to climb and adventure outside. I loved animals and escaped to the quiet of a closet with our dog Bozo to read books, cuddle or nap. I could fall asleep anywhere! I enjoyed the feeling of people being around, but not having to interact all the time. We had a large family and it worked for us most of the time. Like all families, we had fights and disagreements, but deep down, we all loved each other and had each others backs.

Below and to the right is a photo of my mom with all of us girls. I also have two brothers that God chose for our family. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a good photo of all of us together.

Growing up in a Christian family and in the church, I had an innate believe in Jesus, of Heaven and of Hell. I knew that Hell was not a place I wanted to go and that if I gave my life to Jesus, I wouldn’t end up there, but in Heaven. I believed this so much that I gave my life to Jesus every time I sinned, just in case I didn’t do it right. I’m sure that many people reading this can identify with these feelings.

As I grew older and life got more complicated, my sins grew larger and I couldn’t keep up with the confessions. As happens when you grow, your belief systems are challenged and you make decisions for yourself. We have all had our challenges in life, some big, some small, and we all deal with them differently. Well, I made some not great choices as a teen, just like most of us do. I was infatuated with boys but too shy to talk to them, which was embarrassing. Alcohol was introduced through school friends and I found that it gave me courage to approach boys I had crushes on. At this point in our lives, my sisters and I, were the “Preachers Daughters” and it didn’t bode well for us that we were making choices that the church deemed inappropriate. Our church family made judgments on us, or so it felt, and it devastated me for a moment. The devastation turned very quickly to hurt, then anger and then to disillusionment about what it meant to be a Christian. Needless to say that I fell away from the Lord for many many years. I still believed in God and I knew He was there, somewhere, but I didn’t want to follow Him if it meant judging others the way I had been judged.

To be honest, I think I was more scared that Hell was real and that is why I kept asking Jesus into my heart. It wasn’t that I had this big conversion moment. When people would talk about when they got ‘saved’ and how life changing the moment was, I couldn’t identify with them. I had never experienced that, so I questioned if God was real or if I was just so unfeeling and bad that I didn’t qualify, I was just a nobody. I didn’t have a testimony, so what use was I?

Life happened, as it tends to do. I graduated from high school, found work, made my own decisions without a thought or care to what was right or wrong. I had two wonderful children, handsome boys, and then moved in with my partner, and eventually got married. I would attend church periodically, when the guilt of not going, got the better of me. During this time in my life I became self-righteous about my own belief systems and very judgmental towards others. My poor husband could do nothing right in my eyes and I belittled him every chance I got. Our marriage was pretty bumpy and there were periods of time where we would separate, only to get back together and start the cycle all over again.

It was during one of these separations that I totally broke! I was a broken husk of a person and I couldn’t function anymore. It was here, in my brokenness, where God met me! In that moment, I didn’t truly know or understand that it was God, but he made me look at myself and all my judgments on others. I had to absolutely look at myself and see Me for what and who I was. I was an angry, bitter, selfish woman. A woman that even I wouldn’t be friends with. That was the start of my healing. When I tell people about this period in my life, I describe myself as a zombie. I had no personality and nothing to offer. I think I exhumed all the good energy from every space I was in and replaced it with chaos.

A dear friend of mine had given me a book written by Byron Katie called ‘Loving What Is’. I started reading this book with no real hopes of finding answers or help for my frame of mind, but I’m here to tell you that it changed my life. Yes, God also helped. He was ultimately in control and put this book in my life at the right moment. I got one third of the way through it when I had the “AHA” moment and I tell you, I didn’t even finish the rest of the book. I didn’t need too! I had to change my perspective on my reality and stop assuming what other people were thinking. I had to let go of my perceived control over situations and my judgments on others. I had to LET GO and I did. It was and is a daily process, but so freeing. I was able to start loving people where they were at. No judgments, no expectations and my friendships grew. Most importantly, my relationship with my husband slowly started to get repaired.

Fast forward a few more years, my children are grown, and my husband and I are back together. Life is still bumpy at times, but when I start feeling the ugly crop up inside me, I remember that I am not in control, and give it back to God. He is so faithful to meet you where you are. He has been teaching me a lot in the last year. Like how to love people where they are at. How to still myself to listen for His voice. How to follow the nudges I feel to reach out to someone or move on a specific situation. He has given me time to get into His word and learn more about who He is and who we are in Him. I never loved devotions and reading the Bible, but I do now.

I have found that the bible is all about Love! It’s not about judgment and condemnation. It is God’s love letter to us, His people. He is showing me passages that speak

directly to my situation, in the moment that I need it. A few verses that I have compiled that speak directly to me can be found here. I have just recently bought myself a new bible. It is beautiful and I love opening it up and getting into the word. It is a New Living Translation and is a little easier to read and understand. You can find this beautiful bible here.

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If you were interested in the book 'Loving What Is' by Byron Katie, you can find it here. This book truly changed my perspective on life. Byron Katie helped me understand how my preconceived ideas of situations were barriers to creating deep relationships with others.